THIS SIDE UPside-down

2004-06-13T13:51:00.000-05:00

When we finally do leave, W apologizes, and asks (in his less-than-subtle, drunken state) if I'm pissed at him. I say no, because he's drunk and it doesn't seem like he'd be that inconsiderate intentionally. At some point he decided to strike up a conversation about how AK and I met, when I was born, etc. He asked me what my sign was, I said "Scorpio" and he went nuts.

W: Aw!!! DUDE!!! That's fucking awesome! Me too! Put 'er there!!! Man, no wonder you've got this boy on his knees like you do!!!

Which I thought was a pretty funny thing to say, even though I don't really think it's true. I slept most of the way back, and then just had AK take me home rather than going back to his place for a bit. Not that I was so pissed I'd deny him sex (which I don't think I could ever do anyway) because by that time I was feeling much better, after a nap in a warm car, but I was still pretty tired, and it was already 1, and I'm *ahem* indisposed anyhow. So tomorrow night, hopefully, assuming my monthly inconvenience is over, we can.

2004-05-31T16:49:00.000-05:00

Hair is curled, red red lipstick is on, and I am feeling sufficiently like a bombshell. Just for the hell of it.
Speaking of bombshells, I have one to drop on my parents shortly... and I'm debating whether or not I should. AK and I will be going to the opera tomorrow. He's been out of town all weekend, and just got back. And so I'm going to be spending the night at his house. Now, I can do this and get away with not having my parents know. I've done it before. I really think I should tell them, but I just can't bring myself to. They know we're sleeping together, and that we're going to NYC for a weekend in a couple weeks. I am such a chicken.

**PS**
To those assholes who yelled at me at BCBG yesterday:

Dear Sir and Madam, though I think you're hardly worthy of the titles, my upbringing was clearly better than yours, so I will use them out of habit.
I do not know if you bothered to make yourselves aware of this fact, but there are no mirrors in the dressing rooms, and you had better believe that I'm not about to spend this amount of money on an outfit without seeing how it looks on me. Nor am I about to forego the opinion of my mother, and not that it's any of your business, but I needed her help adjusting the straps.
So don't take out your frustrations on me, because I'm not taking any more precious time than a customer who steps outside of the dressing room to ask the opinion of her father or significant other.
It's not my fault that this store isn't designed to accomodate the number of customers here, so I suggest that you two pushy little yuppies step the fuck off and wait your turn like everyone else.

2004-05-17T16:30:00.000-05:00

At about 2:30 a.m. yesterday (Sunday the 16th), in AKs car:

*goodnight kissing*
A: I'm going to miss you.
S: *laughing* What, between now and Monday or Tuesday?!?
A: Yes!..between now and Monday or Tuesday!
*more kissing*
S: You know, Sometimes I wish I could find a better way to express the way I feel about you...
*A cuts me off with a kiss*
S: ...but suffice to say that I can't stop thinking about how lucky I am to have found someone as amazing as you.
A: *takes my head in his hands, kisses me* I feel the same way. I'm so happy that I met you.
*kisses me again*
A: I love you.
S: *mind reeling, head spinning, I kiss him again* I love you too.

After that I think he said something about me being a very special girl, etc, but after "I love you" I really didn't process anything more...

Love. LOVE! HE LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!
I've been wanting to say it. Been so close to saying it. But I didn't think he felt that way yet; didn't think he was ready to go there. I didn't think things like this would ever happen to me, much less now! I didn't think that at this point in my life I was even capable of these feelings.

And he's skirted the idea of living together, I think. In a very roundabout way. That he wished I didn't have to go home. That he wished I could spend the night with him. Every night. And that while we wouldn't get much sleep, we'd probably get used to it after a while.

Possibly I'm reading too much into this, but dear lord.

Love. Huh.

2004-04-23T09:08:00.000-05:00

Ok, can we just call me the World's Coolest Girlfriend and leave it at that?

First of all I'm just very happy that AK referred to me as his girlfriend, because while that may seem like a given, to me it's a very important thing to be clear on exactly what "terms" we're on.

But I digress. Why am I the World's Coolest Girlfriend? So many reasons. I'm the kind of girl who totally expects you to have a life besides me. You want to go play poker with the guys? Have fun! I don't want to be your entire social life. It would be unhealthy. And I must admit you're a pretty damned cool boyfriend to let me have my own life without getting possessive or sulky.
I'm also the kind of girl who'll walk around a sex shop with you, and not be embarassed or disgusted.
The kind of girl who'll watch The Man Show with you, and laugh just as hard as you do. Genuinely.
The kind of girl with a libido to match yours, who isn't afraid to experiment.
The kind of girl who makes it her business to make you happy. Like last night. Even though I'm on my period, and you didn't get me off, I went down on you. And had you come in my mouth. And swallowed. Because nothing about you disgusts me or in makes me the least bit squeamish. I love making you happy, and enjoy having proof of it.

So yeah. I think I'm a pretty damned cool girlfriend. And a really damned lucky one, at that.

2004-04-19T20:06:00.000-05:00

Can you keep a secret?

I can't. One of my many faults. What are the others? I'm painfully insecure. Painfully. I hide it well, mind you. You'd probably never guess, unless you knew me VERY well for many years. But on the inside, I'm always wondering. Tonight, for the first time ever, I called AK and he didn't call back. We last spoke on Saturday. It's 2 days later. He's just supposed to call. But I called him instead, only an hour ago, and he hasn't called back, and here I am having a nervous breakdown. I won't be able to see him tomorrow, since I have ballet class and it's his sister's birthday. So then I'd have to wait until Wednesday at least! God, I'm so into him! Where is he? Why didn't he call? Is he sick of me already? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Oh, do you think that's it? Hell, no! I'm petty, and jealous. How jealous? My best friend/Evil Twin is seeing a new guy. I haven't spoken to her in over a week, because she's spent every night at his place. Not only am I jealous of her, because she can spend every night with her man and never worry about either of their parents (who are either across the Channel or across an ocean!), but I'm almost afraid to talk to her. To hear that her new guy, G, has already told her he loves her, while I think I feel it for AK but am too afraid to say it.

I just want to be with him. Now. Or at least talk to him! I had such an incredible time with him in Atlantic City, and in Philadelphia, just laying across his lap in the car, and strolling around everywhere holding his hand. I hate being so dependent on any one person or thing for my own happiness, but here it is. Staring me in the face. And I'm so terrified of what I might be feeling! It just reminds me of my previous experience when I felt so strongly but it never panned out. That's the last thing in the world I want.

What's the first? Him.

**UPDATE**

He called me at about 10:15, just after he got home from dinner with his family to celebrate his sister's birthday. I DID go out with him the following night. I don't know why I was so freaked out when I wrote this, but I'll just chalk it up to PMS.

2004-04-12T17:43:00.000-05:00

Ok, now it's time for an edition of Good News/ Bad News!

Good news: Spent the night at AKs on Friday night, 'rents still don't suspect a thing.
Bad news: A bunch of people may be going to Atlantic City this weekend, and I've been invited, but I don't know that I can come up with a good excuse.

Good news: AK and I finally had sex. Not on Friday night, but Saturday. Techincally, since it was after midnight, it was on Easter.
Bad news: See below.

Good news: My health insurance covers Plan B.
Bad news: I had to find this out from experience.

I know. I was really stupid about it. But, the thing is, he's had problems getting it up. And taking the time to break the action and put a condom on certainly doesn't help. I went down on him for a bit, and then we did it. And he pulled out, but I'm not the kind of idiot who thinks that's enough to prevent pregnancy. So today I put in an online order for Plan B, went and picked it up, and took it. So far, no side effects, so that's a good thing. I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday, and I plan to go on some sort of contraception so this is no longer a problem in the future.

Am I wrong to feel like a bit of a slut?

2004-04-08T20:57:00.000-05:00

I have become entirely too good at bullshitting my parents. And I really, really, really don't like it.

They don't know AK went with me to see "Cabaret." So far as they know, I have never even been to his house. And honestly I don't know why I lied about that, because I seriously doubt they'd take issue with it. Maybe it's just because I don't want to deal with the knowing glances I think I'd get, or my mother's eerie Jewish intuition.
Ridiculous, I know. But to the main point: AK's mother is out of town for a bit, and either his father is oblivious, or doesn't care, because AK invited me to spend the night tomorrow or the day after. The only minor issue I have is coming up with an excuse to spend the night away from home. And I did. And the 'rents bought it, hook, line, and sinker.

But I feel so awful about the whole thing, because my parents trust me so much! I truly hate lying to them, and I've never really lied to them like this before. I talked to my mom about sex, and she knows I'm a virgin and I want to have sex with AK. That was one of the rules I set for myself: I want to be able to tell my mom when I want to have sex. If I'm not too ashamed to tell her, then it can't be too bad of a situation. And while I'm happy that I can get away with what I want, I don't like it.
I plan on being honest with them, eventually. But we haven't even been dating 2 months yet, and I don't feel comfortable with them knowing how serious we are, yet. I'm going to have to get over this. Before I get caught.

2004-04-04T12:18:00.000-05:00

So about AK and me. Most of our dates consist of going to dinner, playing pool, or seeing a movie and then going back to his place to watch a movie and/or fool around. As mentioned in my last post, he lives with his family, so we can never really do anything requiring removal of clothing. He can, however, finger me, and he gets me off pretty much every night I see him.
At any rate, I have been scheming to try and come up with ways to lose my virginity, now that I am 100% positive I want it to be with him. A friend of mine, MG, goes to college about 4 hours away from here, and was in his school's production of "Cabaret" last weekend. He'd been begging me to come see it, so I decided to go down last Saturday, stay the night in a hotel, and come back on Sunday.
And take AK with me.
And really, while a good time was had by all, I am still a virgin. Trust me, I'm not that much of a tease. I would have. I wanted to. There was just one minor detail... he couldn't get it up.
What happened was I vacillated on whether or not to tell him I was a virgin, and decided eventually that I didn't want to regret not telling him afterwards, so the way I brought it up was by asking "When is the last time you did this?" I don't even really remember what he said. I didn't really care, I just wanted him to ask me in return. Which he did.

Me: There is no last time
AK: Never?
Me: No.
AK: Do you want to?
Me: Yes.

Unfortunately, that was probably the wrong way to bring it up. He later explained that he had only had sex with one girl before, and he didn't really have an emotional attachment to her, and it turned out being awkward. When I asked him what I did, it got him thinking about the whole situation with her, and how because he really cares about me, he doesn't want it to be that way. So we let it be, and that's where we stand now.
Though he is coming over to my house this evening, while my parents are out, and who knows what might happen. I am on the tail end of my period, though, so I don't know how much is actually going to be possible. *crosses fingers*

2004-04-03T17:48:00.000-05:00

So now it's time to post again... and I admit, I've been back for almost a month now, so I'll do a quick recap of the unimportant stuff, with the important stuff coming in later, more detailed posts.

Back in training town, I passed my gold test and cut music for some of my coach's other students in order to pass the time. I was only there for about 3 weeks, and I never went more than 4 days without speaking to AK. My parents came out, and helped me move, and here I am.

I got 2, not 1, French Bulldogs about a week after coming home. Two boys, and they are positively adorable. I love 'em to pieces.

Since coming back, I have been seeing AK about 4 times a week. Now, both of us live with our families, so unfortunately we haven't had the opportunity to get... intimate, shall we say, except for once, and we didn't for reasons I will discuss later. The part that scares me, though, is that I do believe I am falling in love with him. I can't even begin to count how many times I've started to think or say "I love you" before managing (thankfully) to quell it. I have to go, but I will continue later. Promise.

2004-02-15T13:39:00.000-05:00

Is there such a thing as Cloud 10? Because I swear, if there is, I must be floating somewhere above it.

Last night, AK picked me up at my house, with a pink rose in one hand, as he pulled me in for a hug and a peck on the cheek with the other hand. We went for dinner at a fairly nice Thai restaurant (he paid, of course; I love being a girl) with a remarkably good coconut soup.

Aferwards, since it was still quite early, we headed over to a local anime convention. While neither of us are particularly interested in that sort of thing, most of our friends were there, so we decided to pay them a visit. I have to say, I never knew that knowing how to drape a chiton would ever be an applicable skill, but that is neither here nor there.

We spent several hours there, and had a pretty good time, until shortly after 11, when I started to feel very very tired. He drove me home, which took nearly an hour in itself, and we kissed goodnight. And I mean kissed goodnight. He's a decent kisser, but, you know, practice makes perfect *evil grin*. He made it very clear that he wants to see me again once I get back, and I definitely plan on keeping in touch.

Then earlier today, we went back to the dog show, and talked some more with the breeder we're interested in. My parents will probably be driving up to see her in a week, without me, to pick out a puppy. I can't wait! I finally get my lap dog!

I have a flight in about 5 hours now, back to training town, and then I get to be up bright and early tomorrow. Or not. I mean, now that I'm not competing, does it really matter if I skip out on the morning session?

Nah... didn't think so.

2004-02-14T15:40:00.000-05:00

Very excited, as I just returned home from a dog show where I got to look at French Bulldog breeders to find a potential pet. We have one very good prospect, a woman with 3 puppies, 3 weeks old, who should be ready to place them by the time I get back from training town. She's interviewing prospective owners, and we'll probably have to go for a visit at her kennel in the near future. Not too great of a hardship, though it all depends on how soon I can get back from training town.

In other news, My Evil Twin is upset because her Valentine's date (who she had her heart set on seducing, after dating him for several months) cancelled on her. His ex-fiancee is coming into town, and wants to see him for reasons unknown to him, and he feels he would just be too preoccupied. I feel for her, I really do, because I know how disappointed I would be if my date cancelled on me.

Which, of course, I was afraid he did last night, after he called me while I was out at dinner and left a message. Fortunately, he just wanted to see if we could go out earlier, since we couldn't get reservations anywhere, and the earlier we went out, the more likely we would be to find a place to eat. So now he's picking me up at 5... I can't wait! I know what I'm wearing, and what kind of makeup concept I'm going for... the only question is which perfume I should wear. Burberry Brit, Donna Karan Black Cashmere, Escada Magnetism, Lalique Tendre Kiss, or Bvlgari Omnia? Or Givenchy Organza First Light, Aura Science Grace Awakened, or Chanel no. 22?

I'm a slight fragrance addict, in case you couldn't tell. As an ex-Sephora employee, I have a little over 20 fragrances in my posession, though most are in my training town apartment.

Oh well. Still have over an hour to decide. Wish me well!

*update*

Chose Black Cashmere. Very sexy scent, but not overwhelming.

2004-02-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

Oh. Dear. God.

I just returned from the rink. I had gone there with every intention of getting in, doing my session, and getting out. But can my life ever be that simple? Of course not.

There was a test session going on, and it seemed like every skater in the area I know and their mothers (quite literally) were there. And I had to tell them all that I'm no longer skating competitively.

My parents and my close friends, I was prepared to tell. But being thrust into the middle of all that with no warning was apparently more than my system could handle, as I am now feeling quite ill.

On the good side, A.K. called me to firm up dinner reservations for tomorrow night, and when I told him what was going on at the rink, the dear boy (who works at an advertising firm) offered to write a press release to make my life easier.

*s...i...g...h...*

Tomorrow, at 7, my Valentine.

2004-02-13T11:05:00.000-05:00

Now, don't get me wrong. I suppose the description of my blog implies that I am scrapping my life and starting over because of this guy I happen to have met. Au contraire, his timing just happens to be good.

I have been a comptitive figure skater for more than the past decade. I have been to Junior Nationals twice, and US Nationals 4 times. I have represented the US in international competition. I have spent the past year living 3000 miles away from my family, on my own, just for skating. And I can't take it anymore.

The restrictions. The isolation. The constant obsession with everything I eat. It was at the point where the sacrifices were no longer worth the outcome. So, after an injury landed me at home for about a month, I decided that the time had come to move back here, and begin my adult life.

Then, there was A.K. Previously, in my training town, I had been dating a guy by the name of J.M. But I have not spoken to him in about a month, and I don't think either of us really wants to see the other again.

Between my friends, my family, my sanity, and A.K., my choice was clear. Shortly I will be going back to my training town, probably for a month or so, to tidy up my loose ends and whatnot before moving back here, to the house I've lived in my whole life. And you all get to be privy to the ups, downs, and inside-outs that this is sure to induce in me.

You poor bastards.